Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Retiring Blogger

Oh you fucking bloggers. All legends in your own minds. You write your meaningless little posts about god knows what thinking that the 20-30 people who have your blog in their reader actually care about what you have so to say.

Silly bloggers and their egos. Don't you know? Nobody fucking cares. Have you ever noticed the only people who comment are other bloggers? They don't give a fuck about what you're writing, they're just commenting so other people will follow that comment back to their own blog.

It's funny that most bloggers have the lowest self-esteem of any person you'll ever meet in real life. But in the blogger world, once they sign up for wordpress and get a few comments they suddenly think they're the next Earnest Fucking Hemmingway.

But no one, I mean NO ONE, is more egotistical than the retiring blogger. Our example today is this cheesedick known only as ARJEWTINO (I know, I know.. it's very clever).

This loser, like so many others saw a friend (also a loser) written up in the Express and thought maybe he could something like that too:

"I started blogging in July 2006 after finding my friend Shiftless Badger’s blog cited in The Express newspaper. I thought, “I can do that!” So I did."

Of course you can do that! Any retard with a 2nd grade education can signup for a blog on blogspot and start writing. Glad to see you're setting the bar so high for yourself...

Anyway, he goes on to talk about the "DC Blogging Scene" and how amazing all the people are how he wished he could have banged more fat blogger chicks with daddy complexes (ok, I'm reading between the lines a little there).

He basically jerks himself off for about 3-4 paragraphs but not before he drops the biggest ego bomb of all; he calls himself famous. Really? Famous?

"I became what one friend called “famous” but for reasons I never quite understood. Famous for blogging?"

I guess the definition of famous has gotten loser than a blogger girl's morals at a blogger happy hour.

Arjewtino finally wraps it all up by giving his 150 loyal readers a real treat. He tells him his real first name:

One last thing. Anonymity is a wonderful thing on the Internet. If you don’t agree, find out what cache is and then get back to me. Still, I can’t end this without one final reveal.

My name is Iván. Good to meet you.

Hi Ivan! OMG, I would never guessed your name was Ivan! But then again, I don't have to guess. Because any person with half a brain would see that you own a domain name (arjewtino.com). And when you registered that domain name you did so with your full name and what looks like your home address.

Don't believe me? Go check out http://allwhois.com and type in arjewtino.com

Enjoy your retirement Ivan. Thank you for removing yet another boring, meaningless fucking blog off of the Internet.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Someone had to be first

So I thought it would apropos to pick this one. Let me explain why:

You see, bloggers are inherently attention whores. And sometimes that's pathetic desire to be loved by many cannot be contained to just one little old blog. So it spills out in the form of guest posts, alter ego blogs and the worst of worst; anonymous blogs for for whole groups of bloggers.

Our first blog, K Street Confidential, falls into the latter category. Spend 2-3 minutes trying to read the cryptic and mind numbing posts on here and you'll want to gouge your fucking eyes out with a wooden spoon.

Let's take this post as an example of how fucking awful this pile of shit is. An excerpt:

"It started a decade ago.

John told me that he was going to breakup with her. So, I fucked him in a room at the Doubletree hotel. Two weeks later they were engaged.

The first time I kissed Dave, he was already engaged. I had known him for ten years before I kissed him. The first night I kissed him was also the first night I saw him naked....

I fucked Keith in college. Not a good lay. His ambition was too big; his penis too small. I never slept with him again. He has his first child now, so I only see him for happy hour....

Jake was married the night I met him. Short with shaggy hair. I wouldn’t have given him the time of day but he was the one on the trip with the best pot...

Last night Brad held me. He embraced me in the parking lot beside my car...."

Blah blah blah. "I had sex with a guy once... then I made out with another guy this other time... "

OH MY FUCKING GOD!! WHO FUCKING CARES!?!? Is this the best shit you can come with to write about when you have complete fucking anonymity?? Please, you really should consider dropping this whole writing thing. I really don't see it taking you anywhere and, anyway, you should really be spending more time GETTING A FUCKING LIFE!

Welcome to Fuck Your Blog

Guess what. Your blog sucks. No, it really does.

No one cares that your cat needed an emergency trip to the pet clinic because it somehow got infected with herpes. Nobody needs to see out-of-focus pictures of your shitty life. No one wants to read you droning on about how funny and cute and expected your life is. No one except other loser bloggers like yourself, that is.

Hey, if you life was so great you'd be living it, not posting it on the internet.

This isn't a shotgun attack on all bloggers. I've found very legitimate, sharply focused blogs that provide some kind of value to their readers. No, I won't be dogging these sites. I'm looking for yours.

Why would I spend my time trashing other people's blogs? Why? Because fuck them. That's why.